OK, So the title of this blog is a negative: “NEVER surrender.” Much different than my usual positive messages of DEFY! LIVE FEARLESSLY! EAT PIE FOR BREAKFAST! Sometimes, putting myself at the helm of the battleship every minute of every day gets a bit tiresome (except for the “pie for breakfast” part). I just keep getting rogue waves in my face up here. So I’m moving to the middle of the boat for this post. My message is the same, but coming from a slightly different perspective, in my mind at least.
I worked for Ivanhoe last week in Los Angeles. I had been really looking forward to working both in LA, which I love, and at sea level, which I am coming to love more and more. But by the time it was time to leave, I had been back on Everolimus/Afinitor for a week and it was already taking its toll. I just can’t fill my lungs, which makes me cough. I was starting to think the LA trip wasn’t that great of an idea, but it was all set up, and I’m not surrendering, so off I went.
What a great trip.
It was one of those shooting trips where everything falls right into place, everyone is on time, the stories are great, and I come in under my per diem at the end of the week. One of the stories was about Food as Medicine. Project Angel Food is heading up a program to make and deliver medically-tailored food to people with congestive heart failure to see if eating well keeps them out of the hospital (Surprise! It does. Duh.) The executive director is my 11 pm producer from WESH in the 90s, Richard. We’ve seen each other a few times since those days, but this was GREAT. People were talking about how great a job he’s doing, how he’s terrific and talented, etc. I said, “The Richard I know went with me to a local amusement park in Orlando, and we took a golf cart, which we ditched in… well, a ditch.” There’s a conversation-stopper.
Because, truly, we’ve always been angels.
We also had to zip (not that you ever “zip” on LA highways) up to Ventura, and drove through the city where I was born. Oxnard. It was pretty much everything I thought it would be. We didn’t stay long or stop there on the way back. But it was still pretty cool.
Not a lot going on here.
I came home from LA and nearly lost my shit on the jetway in the Salt Lake airport. I was getting shorter and shorter of breath as I got to the end of it, then had to sit down and not breathe for a while. Put it this way, my bag was the only one going around and around and around on the carousel when I finally got enough oxygen to power me there. A full-on panic attack where I couldn’t draw in a full breath. And it was 10:30 at night, so even though I wanted to call for oxygen or an ambulance or a ride, none was to be had. This does not bode well for me, as I have four trips out of SLC before the end of June. So, because I’m not surrendering, I spent an arm and a leg to buy a portable oxygen condenser that I’ll take with me on all my trips. It’s about the size of an old cassette tape player (sorry, millennials who have no idea what that is. Ask the Google.) and weighs less than five pounds. I also refilled my Atavan prescription, because I’m over those panic attacks. And I have places to go.
So I’m home from LA, back in elevation and suffering like a dog. Even on the lower dose, the Everolimus/Afinitor is sucking oxygen-absorbing capabilities from my body like it’s a coke and red slurpee on a summer day. Still, because I’m too dumb to surrender, I popped into a yoga class where I sat in child’s pose for about half an hour. And I went to an Orange Theory class, which I had to leave early because they were doing so much core…… and I’ve re-broken my rib. That’s right, the violent cough is back. The rib had just stopped hurting, and we’re back to ground zero. The rib surrendered, the bastard. The air is just too thin to keep me from coughing so hard. So I glommed on to a trip to Costa Rica, where I’m not going to kite surf. I’m tagging along on Patrick’s kite surfing trip, but I plan to do nothing but breathe, get sun, heal, read Michelle Obama’s book that I bought for myself at Christmas (!), and do yoga if I can find it.
Finally, with everything that’s been going on with me for years now, I haven’t made any big purchases, except for plane tickets and vacations. As optimistic as I am, I still couch those plans with travel insurance every time. I just never know how I’m going to feel, whether I’ll be in a new trial, or whatever. My car is 13 years old (you see what’s coming, don’t you?). I truly thought it would be the last car I owned in this lifetime, which we’ve discussed will be shorter than most. But my friends were selling their daughter’s 5 year old Porsche Cayenne…. And now it’s mine. I figure the sign that I did the right thing was that my car sold in an hour or so.
People might question the fact that I’m buying a new-to-me car when my future is so uncertain. To them and for myself, this is my way of saying I’m not going to give up. My refusal to surrender, along with incredible good fortune in finding doctors, trials, and drugs that work for me have kept me alive for almost six years now. That isn’t supposed to happen to people who’ve had Stage IV metastatic disease since 2014. I am defiant with my new red car and my new portable oxygen condenser and determination to do yoga in Costa Rica despite the fractured rib. (Can I just have a day with no f*cks??????) I’ll soon be back to DEFY. But for now, I am a little less active verb, but with the same stubbornness that’s gotten me to 2019. AND with a red car. #defy #livefearlessly #eatpieforbreakfast #neversurrender
Little red Cayenne!!
Wendy, love your attitude! Never ever give up! Red Cayanne car will fit you well. Your a hot pepper! Think of you often!
Maggie King
Oh Wendy, you are so f%$king awesome. I know it’s not been easy but your will to defy helps us all when we complain about petty shit. Keep up the good fight. You are loved. I send you my love and I continue to chant daimoku for you daily.
I bet you look great in that car! It’s perfect for you! Drive with the windows down and the music loud.
Yes!!! Love every. single. bit. of this! You rock Wendy!!!
Wendy…you are my hero! So extraordinary. Enjoy doing yoga in Costa Rica..as for the red car…you deserve it! As always, can’t wait to meet you in person!
xo
Susan
You are amazing. A friggin’ warrior. Thank you for telling your stories.
My Grandmother bought a new car for her 85th birthday because “I want one” You Go, such an inspiration
(FYI I’m a friend of Marc’s n a Great Fan of yours)
I love her already.
Wendy I needed to read this today. Perfect timing as I just walked in from the hospital – my mom has been there since yesterday. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I opened my phone and see your article. Thank you for the reminder that being positive really IS everything! And thank you for continuing to share your world with us❤. Enjoy your yoga in the jungle, I’ll be there soon too!
Oh Wendy, every time I hit another f&@$ block with my metastatic breast cancer I read your message and I have to laugh and say, “what the heck am I complaining about?” Today was another day of needles, iv fluids and schedule tomorrow for blood transfusions. This is after 4 days of diarrhea and nausea. But I worked, celebrating Mother’s Day while working (I’m a florist), and took my mom shopping and groceries (thank God there bathrooms every where). I also have learned to carry a big bag with my 7 bottles of prescriptions, mini pads, baby wipes, and alcohol pads to clean every surface or just smell it while I’m waiting for my nausea meds to work. The funny thing is that everyone I see says that I look so good after loosing so much weight. Well, I rather be fat and healthy but obviously this is not up to me. My diet is basically liquid, smoothies, purée and thank Gods my mommy makes some strong soup that I don’t ask what’s in it because some things I don’t need to know. Any way, I’m so proud of you and I’m so thankful for you. Why you ask? Because you don’t allow me to give up. I wish I could meet up with you again. We meet back in 2011-2012 when we were healthy and I have followed you since. Good luck partner, you are my hero!!!
I’ve been thinking a lot about you recently and am very happy to see your post. I hate the trip to LA was so tough but I love that you continue to #defy!! You are strong woman and a real inspiration to me. Fight on and know I’m sending all the positive juju I can muster. P.S. The RedCayenne is perfect for you!
Oh what a girl. ENJOY YOUR CAR, IS BEAUTIFUL…my prayers as you know are non stop…keep it up and defy,defy, defy, defy and defy..BLESSINGS TO YOU !!!
Wendy, you continue to be a huge inspiration to me. By reading about your positive attitude and you continuing to #defy, I have the strength to fight through my illness. Thank you for showing me the way. Also, Go Hoosiers!!
Ok hot mama💪That little red car is a well deserved ride to yourself 👍 I still have my Costa Rica frog 🐸 from you. You well deserve living each moment of life to its fullest ❤️ Thank you for all of your words of determination and drive—they have helped so much. You have helped so many through the challenges of this “demon” called cancer.
Wendy,
God bless you!!! I am new to this, but not you. My daughter remembered how I used to watch you when you anchored in Orlando. She was wondering how you were doing, so I researched your name. I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma 2 years ago. There is no cure for this kind of cancer, yet. Reading your journey has brought tears to my eyes and makes me want to fight harder!
THANK YOU!!!
Thanks for this “Never Surrender “ post, Wendy. Six days ago I learned that I have metastatic cancer. I have followed your posts through Growing Bolder. These last days of heart-wrenching grief, and trying to grasp the scenario of a much shortened life span have left me basically a breathless pile of mush. Today I will go to an “Intro to Chemo “ class, tomorrow is my first PET scan and the next day I will have a Port inserted. Thoughts of you and your adventures amidst your honest descriptive commentary give me hopeful anchors of possibilities. Thank you for moving forward with courage. Andrea Densley