Update, the Primaries Edition

My heart is racing. Not over the political primaries; that mostly has my brain exploding. I have a new side effect, but I’m not sure what it’s a side effect OF. I have Tachycardia, rapid heart rate, which may require yet another drug for the side effect of a side effect of treatment. Is it insulin-induced? I suspect that it is, because after significant research on the internet, which is never wrong, I found it listed as a side effect of insulin. Of course, as Dr Giaccone pointed out, you can find anything on the internet, and I do begrudgingly admit that I searched until I found that information.

Or is it from the PHA trial? Maybe. Yesterday, Dr G said if it continues, I will have to see a cardiologist and maybe get on Beta Blockers. Last week, I would have shoveled them in to my mouth without the recommendation of a cardiologist. I felt pretty close to terrible. On my worst Tachycardia days, I lie in bed and can feel my heart beating in every extremity. I almost took myself to the ER one night. My miserable 2 mile run in Park City last week took me 25 minutes, required 5 stops for me to catch my breath, and included more than a little walking. My waking heart rate ranges between 90 and 117. “Normal” for me is in the 60s. After everything I’ve been through in the last couple of years, I’ll be pissed if I die from cardiac arrest.

Some side effects I’m NOT getting this trial around: Disappearing white blood cells, Escalating liver enzymes, more autoimmune diseases. In fact, I remain cautiously optimistic that I am in the 10% (which is different than the 1%) of this clinical trial. You may remember that the drug has only worked for about 10 percent of people in the trial. Not to jinx myself, but both Dr G and I are hopeful that the stability of my labs could mean stability of disease. My check up yesterday was uneventful, which means in 13 days, I get my second CT scan. That’s a big one: It’ll tell us whether the milciclib maleate is keeping the cancer in check. Cautious optimism. Hope rising. It is almost Easter, after all.

Something that’s not in check is this year’s Republican primary race. It has devolved into the playground of an elementary school. “I know you are, but what am I?” When the Admiral and Pally visited a couple of weeks ago, I found myself held hostage by one of the scores of debates the presidential candidates have been having. It was the one hosted by CNN. To me, the format was designed to create chaos and SHOUTING. If a candidate attacked another, which happened for hours, days it seemed (just ask Dr. Ben Carson), then the attackee could respond. What kind of “conversation” or grown up debate does that format invite? Shame on you, CNN. And shame on Wolf Blitzer for allowing untruths to fly unchallenged and long periods of time when you couldn’t understand anyone because everyone was talking/shouting. Where was the mic kill switch? I was horrified and embarrassed that these are supposedly the men we have chosen to potentially represent our country. It was less a “debate” than a  free-f0r-all. A glaring example of the loss of civility that’s everywhere lately but most discouragingly displayed on tv that night. I was filled with anxiety for days. I can’t watch any more.

Because even more disturbing than that debate itself was the half-dozen or so primaries and the endorsements that Donald Trump has won since. It’s incomprehensible to me that he has such great support despite the racist, misogynistic, cruel, immature, outrageous, and untrue things he’s said throughout the campaign. I watched a documentary on him on MSNBC (I think), where a supporter basically said she didn’t care that he doesn’t always tell the truth. We have come to this. At this point, his politics aren’t even the issue for me anymore. I am alarmed and dismayed that someone with his character, or lack of it, may get the chance to lead our country. But what does it say about our country that so many people are disgruntled enough to want to put him there? I actually know some of those people, though I hope they change their minds before Election Day, should it come to that. I’m hoping that in the end, people won’t embrace the poster boy for The Loss of Civility. He diminishes hope.

I won’t end this post with that negativity, but I do feel better laying it out there. On the other end of the spectrum, I want to tell you about 10-year-old Daniel, who’s one of the highlights of my week, most weeks. He suffered some Oxygen loss during birth and now struggles with motor skills and speech. He’s in the National Ability Center hippo therapy program, which is basically PT on a pony. Mike and I volunteer to help Kim and Rae with his lessons. He is a sweet boy (my favorite, don’t tell anyone) who laughs throughout his whole lesson and works hard to build strength and flexibility. The mere mention of poop or his horse Token’s butt sends him into spasms of giggles, rendering him incapable of holding his core straight. I adore him. He gives me hope, my sweet Daniel. Defy.

Rae, Daniel, and Token. The best hour of the week