I’ve been going back and forth over whether I write about the bloody, evil rampage at Pulse in Orlando this weekend. I lived in and loved Orlando for two decades. It was more home to me than anywhere else I’ve lived. Does what I think even matter, as I left Orlando, voluntarily, back in 2008? What else could I add to the already cacophonous worldwide conversation over the unspeakable violence and murder that happened at Pulse? Then I thought. I don’t have to add anything to any conversation. Even eight years gone, I feel violated by what happened in my old hometown. I am sad and angry. I feel vulnerable and enraged. I can’t watch or read any more, but I can’t turn away. I am heartbroken.
I woke up Sunday morning to a text from a friend who lives in LA. The text was a link to the first New York Times article about a gunman who’d shot and killed twenty people in a gay nightclub in Orlando. The first feeling is that ice cold chill that started in the back of my brain and radiated through my whole body. Who did I know that was there? I’ve been to Pulse a couple of times. It was a welcoming, non-threatening, relaxed kind of place. (I’m old. We were there way too early for the dance fun to start). I have many, many gay friends in Orlando. Most of their dancing-til-2am days are long past (sorry friends), but there’s always the chance of a one-off that might find them there. Friends from out of town. Someone’s crazy birthday. Boredom on a Saturday. The next few hours on Saturday morning were spent tracking people down; seeing who’d checked or posted something on Facebook or Twitter. Sending texts and emails out, with my heart in my throat. The list of the murdered grew to 49.
As I suspected and hoped, no one I knew was there. As the list of victims’ names was released, I saw their ages. 20. 21. 25. A few in their 30s. One was 50. Mostly babies who went out to dance the night away and never got to go home. Young people who probably left the lights on. Forgot to feed the dog. Didn’t put the orange juice back in the refrigerator. I wrestled with guilt over the relief that comes from knowing that people I knew literally dodged a bullet and the knowledge that most of those who died never really got to live. I was gutted.
Then, I was angry. Who was this calculating, evil person who came into my town, into a club I’d been to, into a community I loved, and wreaked such devastating havoc. I don’t understand how a 29-year-old with a child could harbor so much hate. So much hate that he could look strangers in the eye and take their lives. How can there be so much hate? This was close quarters. This was looking into the eyes of innocents and extinguishing their light.
I am sick of hearing people in power taking the microphone in the aftermath of yet another mass killing and sending their prayers. And their thoughts. And their condolences. All that rhetoric is drowned out by the grief of 49 more families who’ll have an empty place at the dinner table this Thanksgiving. Keep your pithy soundbites to yourself and do something. President Obama said it best during the endless hours I watched coverage of my town from afar. Doing nothing is also a choice. I know the guy got his guns legally in the days before the shooting. Legal or not, doesn’t it raise a red flag to SOMEONE that he bought a semi automatic and an assault rifle at the same time? Doesn’t someone think to ask a question? You can argue that guns don’t kill people, blah blah blah. Well, then, let’s look at the people who are buying these guns. Even if the guy had been cleared in FBI investigations (TWO of them), shouldn’t there still be a star or a skull and crossbones or a flashing red warning light that comes up with his name for at least a few years after? You, in Washington, you need to do something to keep this from happening. These acts of terror CANNOT continue to make us collateral damage just because we live in the over-armed US. Enraged.
Then, there was hope. When I saw video of the lines of people waiting to donate blood for the victims and to bring water and food to first responders and media, I cried. You’ve undoubtedly read the Mister Rogers quote that pops up all too often on the internet after terrible things happen. Look for the helpers. There are always helpers. And after I saw the helpers, I saw uprisings of love and unity and support from all over the world. Orlando Strong. Love, Not Fear. From the stage at the Tony Awards to the flags lowered to half-staff here in little Park City, Utah. Whatever message of hate that evil man tried to send was sent crashing to the ocean floor by swells, big giant waves of love and hope. Washing ashore the first seeds of healing.
This is the town that I love. From 3000 miles away, I am sending you in Orlando that love and adding to the wishes of strength and courage as you put the pieces back together. I’ve never been so wrecked and so proud, so sorrowful and so hopeful as I have been, for this city, over the last 24 hours or so. I left you, but my heart is still there, and I stand with you against the evil and the hate that visited our city and is being chased out by love. You truly are OrlandoStrong.
Thanks Wendy, so well put. You described how all of us are feeling.
He was a United States citizen that passed an FBI background check. As bad as it is you cannot deny him constitutional rights when he has never been charged or convicted of anything. there was a gunship in Florida that didn’t want Muslim business and they were attacked.
So what should be done? Do we violate both his rights to bear arms and his right to due process? Let’s just throw the entire constitution in the shitter. Let’s suspend free speech also.
If you think the constitution needs to be amended go ahead, get it thru 2/3 of congress and then get 75% of the states to ratify it. Or you can blame the evil person that commited this act. Nobody blamed guns after France attack or pressure cookers after Boston, or planes after 9/11. Why in America do we always blame the gun?
I’m not saying I’m against changing things but look at reality. More children are smothered to death by a parent with a pillow then hurt by a gun according to FBI so where are calls to ban pillows, and don’t get me started on knives and bats.
So, since this is your plan that Washington needs to fix this instead of blaming radical Islam what should be done?
This is your home, Wendy. We miss your face. BobLee
http://www.Facebook.com/BobbLee
Indeed…this is still your hometown Wendy and along with you, we are heartbroken. We have the Love. We have the Light. We need the Action. Enough.
Wendy, Orlando will always be your hometown. You are loved here, and we aren’t willing to let you go. Thank you for your eloquent observations, you are so right about it all.
You are such an iconic figure in the Central Florida area, Wendy! Though I live in Palm Coast, Orlando is my home away from home. A place my children and I run to when the theme parks open their latest rides. A place where their Daddy lives. A place where people go to escape the harsh world, if only for a few days. The words you have written are beautiful, poignant, and spot on (as you always are). I lost my mom the day before the Orlando tragedy, after a five year battle with lymphoma. My heart was already shattered, hearing the news. But a wave of calm washed over me….I know Mom was called Home for many reasons, including this one. Thank you for never truly leaving Orlando, Wendy. Your heart always has a place there. As will mine.
We miss you Wendy. Just Saturday night I was telling friends about meeting you a few years back in Park City. Kim and I send our love. This was a heartfelt and deeply moving blog.
Thank you for deciding to write, Wendy. You made a big impact on Orlando when you were here and are remembered with great fondness. Your heart is connected with those of us in Orlando across the miles.
We lived in Orlando from 1986 to 2008 -22 years. We raised our family there, and have so many memories. Like you, Orlando is in our heart. Your words echo my sentiments -I am ill over the innocent people who lost their lives. Like you, I was relieved when none of the victims were friends or sons/daughters of friends. Orlando, the city beautiful, has never been more beautiful than in the response of its citizens in reaching out with sympathy, empathy and in a thousand + ways provided assistance with love and monetary gifts! Like you, I am proud to say Orlando was my home for more years than any other! Thank you for your eloquent post!